(Honestly didn't plan to start that way - it just came out...rhyming and all. So, I'm gonna leave it.)
In case you missed it, we're expecting a baby girl near the beginning of September. ☺ It's still hard for me to believe...although, since we've told Jacob - the person I talk to most, lately - it's become more real. This pregnancy has been...different...strange?...a little difficult...emotional...weird... Please don't misunderstand me - it is a huge blessing, something we'd hoped and prayed for, and I'm excited about it. That said, it has come with some unexpected feelings, for me. I still haven't figured out how to put it all into words, but here are a few I came up with:
The first trimester (and a little beyond) was physically debilitating, at times. In all humility, I'm one who has a fairly high pain tolerance, usually works through sickness, and doesn't draw attention to my own discomfort. The nausea that accompanied pregnancy this time around, however, truly had me laid up in bed on more than one occasion. Thankfully, it was less "morning sickness" and more "evening sickness," so my amazing husband could take over with Jacob once he got home most days. I basically survived on cereal and string cheese, drank anything but water, and came out of it craving fruits and veggies. (PSA: Smoothie King has a prenatal vitamin blend as an add-in option!)
Though you'd think the constant nausea and food aversions would've reminded me I was growing a human, it still wasn't at the forefront of my mind. What was more consuming were thoughts about sharing our news with those struggling/unable to have children of their own. As I've mentioned before, my personality type comes with a lot of empathy, so in all honesty, there were times feelings of grief and sadness for others outweighed my own feelings of joy in my heart. The anticipation of conversations with close friends and loved ones in that situation was also fairly consuming.
Once the second trimester hit, I was feeling much better and had gotten the hard conversations out of the way. Again, you'd think this would allow more head space for pregnancy to be a greater focal point in my day-to-day, but it still wasn't, really. For one thing, not very many people knew (simply because we decided to tell people slowly/as we saw them), so it wasn't something anyone was really asking about on the regular. Also, toddler-hood is so very consuming. I was doing well to take care of/entertain/feed our two-and-a-half-yr.-old, as well as myself and my husband (though I think he was doing a better job of taking care of us all than I was), all while still trying to ward off "pregnancy brain" as I continued to organize/manage all the other things in which I'm involved. Of course, I had lists of lists of things I wanted to accomplish pre-baby (projects, purging, baby-gear-inventory, etc.), but as soon as we'd discussed those, written them down, and started working on them, they were out of my head...and with them went some of the constant reminder of having another child on the way.
And then, COVID-19 hit. Something I haven't mentioned about this strange time in my previous posts about it is this:
I have been grieving (in small, but real, ways) the end of my time with "just Jacob" since before I was even pregnant, I think. He's such a great kid, and as I've said before, I truly enjoy spending my days with him...despite the not-so-desirable moments. We get along really well, due in part, I'm sure, to the fact that we're a lot alike. We are easily excitable, thrive on routine, appreciate tidiness, have similar senses of humor, and enjoy being with/talking to our friends. The thought of our "routine" changing and trying to find where another human fits into our family dynamic is a little overwhelming to me, at times. BUT what far outweighs that is the excitement I have about watching another child develop and getting to witness Jacob become a big brother. He has taken such a liking to babies (long before he found out we'd be getting one of our very own), and it is precious to hear him talk about and interact with them. He is also a true helper, and I though I will need to try hard not to take advantage of this trait, I know he will enjoy having some new "jobs." While I am certain the transition will have its ups and downs and am prepared to have lots of grace for everyone involved, I pray I have the capacity to continue to nurture and give Jacob what he needs, and hope that his sweet, thoughtful, kind demeanor does not change due to less/split/different attention paid to him.
What I really came here to say on the COVID-19 subject is that this has given Jacob and I such a sweet opportunity for lots of quality time together. Of course, we had that in the "before times," but we kept fairly busy with outings, playdates, etc. This time, however, has allowed me to hone some "mom traits" I hadn't felt as able to focus on pre-pandemic. I strive to sit down and actually play with him on a more regular basis. I allow him even more room to help in his own ways (rather than guiding him toward the most efficient way). We've started doing more intentional/distinct "school" activities. I've dug into my previously-untouched Pinterest boards for interesting new projects and activities. I'm not saying all this to brag or be nominated for any mom awards. Rather, I'm sharing to say that this time has allowed me to make some strides in becoming the mom I aspire to be.
Another big blessing of this situation: the quantity of time we have to work on that pre-baby list. I have no doubt we would've gotten most, if not all, of it crossed off in time, even had everything else in life not been cancelled. We have made some great headway, though, and it's really nice to be able to do so at a reasonable pace while still taking advantage of quality time together.
Not sure whether all that makes sense and/or is relatable for any of you with multiple children and/or more on the way. Again - please know I see this pregnancy for the miracle that it is and do have a lot of joy about it. I believe we can feel joy simultaneously with other emotions, though, and that's what's been happening here for the last several months. Don't worry about me - I'm really ok, and I know it will all be ok. This is just a glimpse into this mama's heart of hearts as she takes a (blessed) moment to actually explore and unpack what's been going on in there. ☺
Thanks, as always, for reading!
Pregnantly,
Kensy
Favorites of the day:
surprise porch drop-off packages and fun mail (this has been one of my favorite parts of all this pandemic stuff)
technology (I know people have survived pandemics without it, but I don't know that I could...)
technology (I know people have survived pandemics without it, but I don't know that I could...)
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| A family picnic (Shake Shack - yum!) followed by a walk on a beautiful evening. This was the first time in over a month we had all gone somewhere and gotten out of the car, and it felt like such a treat. |
