COVID 19: Part 2 & Easter

Welp, turns out I have more thoughts to share.  No one is surprised.

First of all, something I meant to mention in my last post:

One of the things that makes me most sad about this whole pandemic situation is all the life events accompanied by large gatherings that have been put on hold or cancelled, all together.  Whether a large wedding, a milestone birthday party, a funeral, a months-have-gone-into-planning-this work event, a graduation – there are countless things that have had to be permanently crossed off calendars or postponed till who-knows-when.  As an Enneagram 2, I tend to feel other people’s feelings, and the disappointment/sadness/grief surrounding all these cancelled/postponed/changed life events can be a little overwhelming.  I so admire those who are making the best of these situations, whether it be a tiny wedding ceremony, a virtual birthday party, a drive-by retirement celebration, etc., etc.  Doesn't mean they can't be sad for what they're missing, though...and if they're not, I'm probably sad enough for us both - haha.

Moving on…

Thank goodness for Pinterest and smart/creative friends who share ideas.  Here are some of the ways we’ve been spending our days (or at least a few moments of them):

Starting our garden inside this year!
(But with old seeds, so we'll see how it goes.)

He really liked this activity ("painting" cardboard with water), but was very surprised to see his artwork had disappeared.
Not to worry - he was happy to draw it all over again.

Tried out Kinetic Sand for the first time, and it was a hit!

Thanks to a "hot tip" from a friend, I found this gem (sans accessories - we had all those, already) for free at the end of a driveway.  We were soooo glad for a couple warm days to try it out and are looking forward to more.  He was soaked, but was happily occupied for the better part of an hour!  The first day, I pulled weeds and did yard work in the general vicinity.  The second, I sat in the sun and leafed through a magazine in it's entirety - a small miracle!

Modified this Pinterest hunt, since the green leaves weren't on, yet, and the bugs were sparse. 
A success, all the same!

A friend turned us on to Cosmic Kids Yoga, and it's been really fun.  Jacob now requests "kids yoga," and though he usually watches more than participates, unless I do the whole thing with him, he's getting more involved (and involving more "friends") every time.

*not pictured: countless FaceTime dates, Marco Polo conversations, phone calls, and "fun" mail - so thankful for it all!

I know this is hard for everyone in different ways – some we can pinpoint and acknowledge and some we are unaware of.  My smart, sweet husband sent me out of the house to drive around while he was off work the other day, so I wrote some of this from my car in a sunny parking lot.  The peace and quiet did exactly what he knew I needed it to, though I can’t put into words exactly what that was.

I understand a lot of what I’m feeling stems from various forms of grief.  Our current life situation is not something any of us have schema for or previous experience with, so our brains and hearts are figuring it all out in real time.  Paired with all the physical/tangible changes we’re also navigating, it makes for some truly exhausting moments/hours/days/times.

Easter was an especially weird day for me – I don’t have any other word to describe it.  There were ups and downs, though no real high highs or low lows.  For one thing, it was dark and stormy, but with glimpses of sunshine – a true metaphor for my emotions.  

We had stretched out our Easter celebration, because Bryant worked the weekend (his work schedule has changed as a result of COVID-19 - 12-hr. shifts on a rotating basis...while the days get long, it is nice to have him more full days).  It was strange to not have him with us.  Of course, the no “in person” church thing added to the weirdness.  Jacob was sent to his room in the middle of the sermon, because he wasn’t happy with me for asking him to find something to do on his own if he wasn’t going to play nicely in the room where we were listening to the message.  Disciplining my child in the middle of an Easter sermon was weird for me.  Not meeting for church also meant not being part of the musical worship setting – something I’ve done in various ways for as long as I can remember.  Thank goodness for my hymnal and piano in the basement…it did my heart good to play/hear “Jesus Christ is Risen Today.”

All that said, here are some Easter-time highlights:

This was the most festive our food game got. 
Turns out, Jacob loves these nearly as much as his dad does.

The extent of our Easter morning photos.
Nanny Byers makes the coolest shirts!

Sweet "secret Easter bunny" friends hid eggs in our front yard Easter morning.  Jacob was so excited to go pick them up and see what was inside.  It definitely made the morning more enjoyable for both of us. 
Since I didn't have to take time to fill/hide eggs, we had time for a walk afterward.  Thank goodness for the somewhat-nice morning before the storms rolled in.
(We'd also had a special delivery the day before that included several pre-filled eggs.  We took turns hiding those around the house later in the afternoon.  Such thoughtful people we know. ♥)

A fun Easter craft (thanks to my Cricut).

Jacob invited lots of "friends" to church on Easter Sunday.
Like I said - Easter was a weird day for me.  I was feeling guilty for not having made a special meal, so decided to make the meal special by having a living room picnic while watching the Veggie Tales Easter episode.  It went over well. ☺

I've been missing Runzas, lately, so decided to make some of our own. 
Not quite the "real" thing, but still hit the spot...for everyone!

Praise God for Jesus and the hope we have in Him.  There is joy and comfort in that, no matter the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

On a lighter note:

A friend has been putting together a video summary for each day of the “stay home” order and asked for some “audience participation.”  So, I added a skill (video-editing – ha) to my resume, and put the following together: https://youtu.be/VuJa7rP4rHs.

I’m really glad to have been prompted to do this, because while this may not be the “best of times,” it’s something worth remembering…and really – there truly are parts of it that are “the best.” ☺  Hoping this will bring some humor to your day.  ♥

Hanging in there and hoping the same for you,

Kensy

Favorites of the day:

all the creativity and content that's been emerging, lately

pre-Easter surprises from my husband (our designated shopper)

Surprise Easter delivery from a sweet friend

The Hardest Decision

I'm wondering whether or not I should be writing about this while it's so fresh, but I'm going to so that:
1. I remember what happened and what I'm feeling,
2. I can share with you in one fell swoop, and
3. If you couldn't already tell, writing is sometimes the best way I can/know how to process things.

So...

We had to put Charlie down today.

Because I know you're wondering:
He had been throwing up for the last day and half, or so, and the last day was barely moving and just not acting himself, at all.  It's been a very full/crazy couple of weeks for us, and this week is no exception, but I was able to find someone to come stay with Jacob today (on his birthday) during his nap, so I could get Charlie checked out.  Was thinking it would be a quick trip with maybe some meds prescribed, or something.

Come to find out, though, he had a urinary blockage that would require expensive sedation, treatment, and hospitalization to remedy it.  As the doctor was explaining it, I thought, "Well, that sounds treatable, but expensive." and it was.  When I asked if there were any other options, she said, basically, "It's this, or putting him down."  Cue the tears.  That truly hit me (hard) out of left field.

Knowing what to spend on pets is hard no matter what your financial circumstances, in my opinion, but especially for us, as we've just come out of a fairly large home renovation project.  I hated to have finances be a factor in deciding what to do today, but I would be lying if I said they weren't a small factor...and that hurts me to say/type.

The larger factor, and what ultimately made the decision (a little) easier, however, was that this "operation" and treatment didn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again.  It was also not guaranteed that Charlie would be strong enough to come out of the sedation after not having eaten or drank for so long.  He would have had to be on meds for a bit after the operation and special prescription food forever.

Bryant was not able to leave work, but my bestie, Katie, kindly offered to come be with me at the vet when I called her barely able to speak.  Can't say how much I appreciated having someone there to cry with me.  It was just so, so very difficult to know what to do.

What makes me most sad, I think, is not having such a wonderful playmate for Jacob living in our home.  Jacob loved Charlie so much, and even when he saw him last, and Charlie was barely responding, Jacob was loving on him and cooing about him, all the same.  I'd always been looking forward to them playing together, but I also knew the day would come when we had to say goodbye to Charlie, and I'd wondered how we would explain it to Jacob and how he would feel.  Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise in that we won't have to do that, now (though we will have to say goodbye to Pepper, at some point).  He's aware enough to say, "Hmm...kitty...?" in the sweetest voice as he looks for him, but he will soon forget and not know to be sad, and that's ok.

Charlie was with me through the biggest changes in my life (life after college, marriage, moving, motherhood), and though I know he lived a good life, I fear I took advantage of his constant presence.  I don't think it's hit me, yet, that he's not coming back.  Perhaps it will the first time I sit down during naptime and don't have an immediate lap-warmer.  Or the next time I open a can of tuna and don't hear little paws come running.  I wonder if/how Pepper will notice.  I wonder if/when Jacob will ask about him.

But mostly I wonder if I made the right decision.  I know I probably did, but it all happened so quickly, and I was so, so unprepared.  I'm not writing this to fish for encouragement, sympathy, or affirmation.  I'm just being honest as I process something I've never dealt with before - something I never thought to prepare myself to deal with.

I know there is no way for anyone else to understand exactly what I'm feeling, and I will not be able to articulate it all, but I know some of you have had to go through similar experiences.  If that's you, I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for the way having to make that kind of decision made(makes?) you feel.  There's no way of knowing if losing him would have been any easier had I known it was coming, had he been older (he'd just turned 9), had he been sick longer, etc., but I think I can say for sure that it would have been easier had I not had to make the decision myself.

I know peace will come.  I know time will pass.  I know he lived a good and full life and was well-loved.  But I also know I'm just really sad and wish he was still going to be in our family for the foreseeable future.  As of now, thinking about Charlie and the fond memories of him does not make me sad - I'm glad for them.  Seeing other cats does not make me sad - I still love cats.  Thinking about what could've been - that's what makes me sad.  He was more a part of my life than I realize, I think, and he will be greatly missed.

Katie graciously obliged when I asked her to take one last picture of us.
(He was just sleeping here.)
♥

Sadly,
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

Jacob's excitement about his birthday festivities (and the fact that he kept wanting to sing "Happy Birthday" to me every time someone sang it to him)

family and friends