The Hardest Decision

I'm wondering whether or not I should be writing about this while it's so fresh, but I'm going to so that:
1. I remember what happened and what I'm feeling,
2. I can share with you in one fell swoop, and
3. If you couldn't already tell, writing is sometimes the best way I can/know how to process things.

So...

We had to put Charlie down today.

Because I know you're wondering:
He had been throwing up for the last day and half, or so, and the last day was barely moving and just not acting himself, at all.  It's been a very full/crazy couple of weeks for us, and this week is no exception, but I was able to find someone to come stay with Jacob today (on his birthday) during his nap, so I could get Charlie checked out.  Was thinking it would be a quick trip with maybe some meds prescribed, or something.

Come to find out, though, he had a urinary blockage that would require expensive sedation, treatment, and hospitalization to remedy it.  As the doctor was explaining it, I thought, "Well, that sounds treatable, but expensive." and it was.  When I asked if there were any other options, she said, basically, "It's this, or putting him down."  Cue the tears.  That truly hit me (hard) out of left field.

Knowing what to spend on pets is hard no matter what your financial circumstances, in my opinion, but especially for us, as we've just come out of a fairly large home renovation project.  I hated to have finances be a factor in deciding what to do today, but I would be lying if I said they weren't a small factor...and that hurts me to say/type.

The larger factor, and what ultimately made the decision (a little) easier, however, was that this "operation" and treatment didn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again.  It was also not guaranteed that Charlie would be strong enough to come out of the sedation after not having eaten or drank for so long.  He would have had to be on meds for a bit after the operation and special prescription food forever.

Bryant was not able to leave work, but my bestie, Katie, kindly offered to come be with me at the vet when I called her barely able to speak.  Can't say how much I appreciated having someone there to cry with me.  It was just so, so very difficult to know what to do.

What makes me most sad, I think, is not having such a wonderful playmate for Jacob living in our home.  Jacob loved Charlie so much, and even when he saw him last, and Charlie was barely responding, Jacob was loving on him and cooing about him, all the same.  I'd always been looking forward to them playing together, but I also knew the day would come when we had to say goodbye to Charlie, and I'd wondered how we would explain it to Jacob and how he would feel.  Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise in that we won't have to do that, now (though we will have to say goodbye to Pepper, at some point).  He's aware enough to say, "Hmm...kitty...?" in the sweetest voice as he looks for him, but he will soon forget and not know to be sad, and that's ok.

Charlie was with me through the biggest changes in my life (life after college, marriage, moving, motherhood), and though I know he lived a good life, I fear I took advantage of his constant presence.  I don't think it's hit me, yet, that he's not coming back.  Perhaps it will the first time I sit down during naptime and don't have an immediate lap-warmer.  Or the next time I open a can of tuna and don't hear little paws come running.  I wonder if/how Pepper will notice.  I wonder if/when Jacob will ask about him.

But mostly I wonder if I made the right decision.  I know I probably did, but it all happened so quickly, and I was so, so unprepared.  I'm not writing this to fish for encouragement, sympathy, or affirmation.  I'm just being honest as I process something I've never dealt with before - something I never thought to prepare myself to deal with.

I know there is no way for anyone else to understand exactly what I'm feeling, and I will not be able to articulate it all, but I know some of you have had to go through similar experiences.  If that's you, I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for the way having to make that kind of decision made(makes?) you feel.  There's no way of knowing if losing him would have been any easier had I known it was coming, had he been older (he'd just turned 9), had he been sick longer, etc., but I think I can say for sure that it would have been easier had I not had to make the decision myself.

I know peace will come.  I know time will pass.  I know he lived a good and full life and was well-loved.  But I also know I'm just really sad and wish he was still going to be in our family for the foreseeable future.  As of now, thinking about Charlie and the fond memories of him does not make me sad - I'm glad for them.  Seeing other cats does not make me sad - I still love cats.  Thinking about what could've been - that's what makes me sad.  He was more a part of my life than I realize, I think, and he will be greatly missed.

Katie graciously obliged when I asked her to take one last picture of us.
(He was just sleeping here.)
♥

Sadly,
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

Jacob's excitement about his birthday festivities (and the fact that he kept wanting to sing "Happy Birthday" to me every time someone sang it to him)

family and friends

A new kind of goodbye

Oh man - I am so behind on blog posts!  I've literally been working on this one for a month.  Yikes.

Here's my to-do list where future posts are concerned:
birthday
new job
new additions to the home decor, etc.
cooking/Pampered Chef things

But first, I need to share some sad news and heartfelt thoughts...

About three weeks ago, I said goodbye to the family I've nannied for since moving to KC...because, they moved...to California.

Words can't really express how/why/to what extent this makes me so very sad, but I'm going to try:

First of all, I love them to pieces.  Really.  They're such wonderful people and those boys are simply the sweetest (and cutest).  From the moment we met, they immediately embraced both Bryant and I into their family, and they've been there for us ever since.  For the most part, we saw each other a few times a week for almost 2 years, whether it was just the boys and I, or all of us together for some occasion.  They became part of our "normal," our routine.

Secondly, this goodbye is different than ones I've said before.  I have babysat/nannied for several families - a couple for many years on end - and "goodbye" is never easy.  When I said goodbye to the family I cared for in Topeka, due to the fact that I was going to be spending summer breaks (and then graduating and living) in Lincoln (where I was attending college), it felt very strange.  I had known that family for 8 years - long enough to hold two of the three kids as newborns, help all three through potty-training, start helping them learn to read, etc.  Not living 5 minutes from them and spending time with them, together with my own immediate family, on such a regular basis just didn't feel right.  When I said goodbye to the sweet family I nannied for in Lincoln, because I was getting married and moving to KC, it was so, so difficult.  That family had welcomed me into their hearts and home and provided a level of genuine love and comfort in the home-away-from-home I found myself craving after graduating college and truly stepping out on my own.  I wrote about those sweet, smart, funny kiddos often in this blog!  They were a huge part of my life in Lincoln.

I'm comforted by the fact that I have continued to keep in touch with these families, both virtually and in person.  Even though some of the kiddos have grown taller than me, one is visiting colleges (*gasp*), and all are out of diapers and reading on their own (still hard to believe, though this has been true for several years, now), they still hold such special places in my heart, and I'm glad to call them friends.

What was different about this recent goodbye was the fact that I wasn't the one doing the leaving.  My life was not the one in transition, this time.  As a result of their departure on a new adventure for their family, though, my life did enter into a time of transition.  That job title had become part of my KC identity - it was the first thing outside of the home I found to do here, and it was something I absolutely loved!  Yes, there are several other pieces of my identity here, and I celebrate and embrace those, too.  It's a tough reminder, though, when people ask what I do; I no longer say, "I'm a nanny for twin three-year-old boys," because they're gone.

(Of course, this also means a dear friend (the boys' mom) is also moving away.  Good thing I've had practice maintaining long distance relationships!  Though, it's difficult to lay by the pool together, share meals, craft, and do each other's nails over the phone...)

These pictures of the boys trying to pack me in a box to take with them (I think they really thought it would be possible to do so) pretty much sum up how we feel about each other and the fact that they were moving away:

(It was too dark to take pictures inside the box, but at one point, I really was all the way in with the flaps closed.  Upon me mentioning how dark it was, one of the boys handed in his beloved Daisy Duck to keep me company.)

Of course, we had to come say goodbye to Charlie and Pepper.  (There was too much movement with sweet Pepper to catch a good picture.)

I sent them to CA with one of my beloved stuffed cats.

Our final goodbye was so hard, but so sweet.  I was crying, of course, and as I leaned into the car to give one last hug to the boys in their car seats, one of them just held my head - gently, at first, then squeezed tighter and stroked my hair.  I can't make this up - it was so, so precious.  The other was too busy wiping his own silent tears.  Though it was so difficult saying goodbye, I will cherish that tender moment for a long, long time.

As sad as we were to see them go, we're thrilled for their family and all the new opportunities and adventures to be had in CA!  Praise the Lord for technology and how easy it makes it to keep in touch!

Sadly but glad-for-themly,
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

I don't think I've posted since I've been able to announce that
I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!
My brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby boy in March!  WOHOO!!

the time I was able to take to finally get this post finished up this morning (with a candle lit and a cat warming my lap, no less)

my sweet husband who regularly makes breakfast for me, because he's way better at mornings than I am

(Also, it's the 3-year anniversary of him officially asking me to date him!)