34 & 4

I started to write a Facebook post thanking many of you for the birthday wishes and realized if I said all I wanted, it would be much longer than is socially acceptable for that platform.  ☺  So, here's a blog post that now will probably have too many words for its kind...haha.  All for the sake of posterity and to give you, dear readers, a light read.

I really did have a nice birthday.  I felt celebrated and special and loved.  That said, it wasn't without its hard moments.  Despite being excited about my birthday and all the festivities, Jacob had an unusually rough day.  I heard there was a full moon, so maybe that was it?  Could also have been the higher-than-normal levels of sugar in his system...or the transition we're making to "rest/quiet time," rather than nap time.  Perhaps he was feeling Bryant's long work days (including the weekend), as he was heading up a big installation project at work and wasn't getting home till after supper or close to bedtime all weekend/week.  Regardless of the reason, Jacob had high highs and low lows on my birthday, which made it difficult for me to answer "Was your birthday fun?!" or "Did you get some time to yourself?" questions or respond honestly to "Hope your birthday was so wonderful!"-type comments.

In the name of transparency and honesty, here were some of the highlights of the day, along with the moments that are not typically featured in the highlight reel:

Jacob woke up asking where I wanted to go to lunch for my birthday, because Bryant had coached him (and given him money) to take me out.  Here he is paying for our meal.  ♥
(While we were getting shoes on to leave for lunch, Jacob was upset about something else and said he wasn't excited to take me to lunch, anymore, and didn't like me or my birthday.  After the difficult morning we'd already had, this made me cry.  So, everyone had shed tears before 11 a.m. that day.  I know this may be typical for others in this season of life, which is fine and understandable, but it's not necessarily our norm, and the fact that it was happening on a special/out-of-the-ordinary day just made it all extra sad and disappointing.  He immediately started trying to make me feel better, and of course, got over whatever he'd been upset about and regained his excitement (even if it was partially due to the fact that he'd be getting to order his favorite things, as well).)

We've had very few lunch dates, due to COVID, so Lydia was also thrilled to be out and eating somewhere new.
(We started out eating outside, but the store next door was having concrete work done, so it was too loud and dusty to stay.)

A super-thoughtful friend made this surprise delivery that included activities for Jacob to keep him out of my hair for a bit!  These were my first Crumbl cookies, and they were oh-so-yummy.
(Jacob asked (and whined about non-yes answers) incessantly about these cookies the rest of the week till they were gone.)  

We made homemade pizza with the last of our garden-fresh tomatoes and basil!  Bryant had made and frozen pizza dough a couple weeks prior and was planning to make this for my bday supper, but didn't make it home in time to do so.  Jacob was planning on helping make (and eat) pizza, so we did it, anyway.
(Turns out, Jacob only wanted to help so he could eat the pizza dough off his fingers, so he only made it through the not-pictured pepperoni pizza before losing interest and incessantly asking when it would be done (and if we could have more cookies for dessert).  Also, Lydia was hangry and whining/crying at my feet the entire time I was putting this one together.)

Even after working nearly 12 hours, Bryant still made a point to bring me birthday flowers.
(This one's a highlight through and through. ☺)

 

Not pictured: the special movie time Jacob and I had together after a shortened rest time for him.  I rarely join him for "screen time," because I'm often using it as a tool to accomplish a task of my own on my own.  While he was thrilled he was getting to watch a movie (something we do sparingly) and that I was watching with him (even more rare), he still initially pushed back about me being the one to choose the movie. *eye roll*

Also not pictured were the countless celebratory messages, as well as other thoughtful cards and generous gifts.  Thanks to many of you for making me feel so special and loved in these ways!  I truly appreciate it.

Another highlight: today!  I don't have a lot of photo evidence, but today was my make-up-birthday-day-to-myself.  My day included redeeming a few bday freebies, bargain shopping, a walk by the river, a pedicure, as well as a few other errands.  

If you're not a member of the SPIN Pizza birthday club, sign up right now.  This was free, and I enjoyed every bite!
Birthday freebies not pictured: alllll the free coffee drinks, CFA cookie, Panera pastry, Andy's custard cone, Target discount, Chipotle side...I could go on and on.  Not all of these were redeemed today, mind you, and there are more to come!  Thank goodness they don't all have to be used the day of - you know how I hate to miss out on a deal.  ;)

I ate this meal outside, by myself, enjoying the beautiful weather and sunshine, and reading...an actual book...for pleasure!  This (reading for pleasure) is something I haven't done in many years; pre-kids, certainly, and maybe even prior to that.  While it's something I enjoy, it's not something I always feel able to do guilt-free.  As a result, when asked what my favorite book is, I'm often at a loss and revert to one of the only books I remember reading as a kid: Mandy by Julie Andrews.  (Yes, THE Julie Andrews...I didn't remember she was the author - or maybe I never really knew or appreciated that fact.)  My memory often fails me, and I'm not one to re-read books, so I just don't remember specific favorites well.  This one, however, has always stuck out, so I recently checked it out from the library and have been re-reading it (gasp!).  It's a sweet story, and it has been a pleasure to read it again.  I'm hopeful re-flexing this muscle will create room for a restored reading rhythm.

I'm currently writing this from the backseat of the car (windows down) in the parking lot of a shopping center, so I can enjoy the beautiful weather while using the WiFi.  Super glamorous, I know.  Since I'm just now weaning Lydia, today is the longest I've been away from both kiddos in over a year, and it has been so refreshing. 

Edit to add: Belated birthday cake was waiting for me when I got home!
The picture doesn't do this one justice.  I love a strawberry cake, and I love earthquake cake, so my sweet hubby found one that is BOTH of these!  Yum.

Since I'm free as a bird, right now, I'd also like to take time to document Jacob's 4th birthday...which was in July.  Woops.  A man of simple tastes, he chose a "donut" theme.  We had a couple small family gatherings as well as a couple celebratory playdates with friends, and it was all so fun!  While we try hard not to spoil him and strive to raise children who do not feel entitled, it is also such a joy to see him excited.  So, our gifts to him were things we were really excited to give him, and we were anxious to see his reactions.

The first surprise was renting the Menards van for a ride around the neighborhood and picnic in the back.  He went from shock to confusion to delight as he saw the van pulling into our driveway, realized Daddy was driving it, and was told it was there for him to explore.
He was gifted a toy Menards van a couple years ago, because it's one of his favorite places to go, and he immediately ran to get it to compare to the real thing.

He was right at home!

Don't worry - we'll wait a few years before we let him take it out of the driveway.  ;)

Pre-birthday picnic of choice: Wendy's.  He almost didn't finish his meal in time for us to take the van back, because he had so many questions and comments about it.

He kicked off his birthday with an extra (free) donut hole from his favorite shop while picking up donuts for his party.

Then, he got to open his gifts from us (so he and Daddy could play while I got ready for the party...haha).

He started asking for Legos shortly after Bryant found a great would-be Lego table at a garage sale and I'd stocked up on a few sets when they were on sale.  So, Jacob's wish was granted before he wished it.  (This was also the first time he's ever asked for a specific gift for a birthday/holiday.)

♥

I found this set NEW at a thrift store...

...and the green base plates NEW at a garage sale!

Mission accomplished.  ☺

This gift has served every intended purpose.  Not only was he so excited to receive it, but he's played with Legos nearly every day since.  While his preference is to play with others, it's also one of the few things he will do independently for an extended period of time.  It's so fun to watch his imagination and skills grow in such a tangible way.

His birthday surprises continued with Lydia's first ponytail.  He was genuinely surprised and thrilled by it and wanted everyone to see!

He surprised my by asking to help decorate for his party, and after I talked him down from thinking everything needed to look exactly like last year's party (I think he thought parties were always the same), I truly appreciated and enjoyed the help.

Kicked off the party with the kiddos decorating their own rice krispie treat "donuts."

Jacob refers to Cheerios as "donut seeds" all the time, so these party favors were a must.

Thanks to a 2-lb. bag of sprinkles from Amazon, we had a sprinkle relay race!

Is it really a donut party if you don't play this eat-a-donut-without-your-hands game (for which I don't have a name...do you?)?

I took the easy way out and let his choice of donut serve as his cake, and he was totally good with it.

He was going through a phase of conducting his bedtime song every night, so it occurred to him to apply his skills to this larger "choir" and went so far as to coach them saying, "This means stop."

Bless those of you who made it this far.  I know it was a lot of details, but I also know if you're still reading, you're absolutely here for it all.  Thanks for taking an interest in the happenings of our little corner of the world!

A year older-ly,

Kensy

Favorites of the day:

fall - I try not to be too cliché or trendy about this, but I really do love it...so much

this girl...in this outfit (one of few I've bought for her myself...at a consignment sale, of course)...posing like this (something she'd never done before, and hasn't done since)

discovering this little shopping cart at not-our-usual-HyVee and watching this kiddo be a confident expert shopper

J the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, V Bad Day

Happy spring!  Isn't it amazing what coming out of "hibernation" can do for the body and soul?  And relationships?  It felt like we hadn't seen our neighbors in months, and now, we see them nearly every day!

Coming to you today to expand on what I originally intended to be a short Instagram post.  Not the first time I've had more words to share than I thought we appropriate for a caption.  

If you're familiar with the book the title of this post references, I'll tell you that Jacob's day on Monday may not have went down exactly like Alexander's, but I'm fairly certain he'd use the same adjectives to describe it.  It was truly the worst day of his life...in my memory, at least.  To be fair, there may have been worse days very early on that I've either forgotten due to the he-can-do-no-wrong newborn phase or due to mom-brain.  

Either way, Monday was a day like no other, for him (and therefore, me).  For at least 50% of his awake, non-eating time, he was whining/crying/lamenting and inconsolable.  Usually, if I ask him what's wrong (Are you hurt?  Are you sad we left the park?  Did you want that toy instead of this one?), he'll stop crying at least long enough to say "Yes," if not longer, to hear me out and make a plan to make it better.  On this terrible day, though, everything was wrong and nothing was fixable.  We even ran and errand and went to the park, and while these outings provided a bit of reprieve, it was short-lived.  (For example, while we were are the park, he simultaneously wanted to stay there and go home...)

This unexplained behavior/emotional roller coaster of a day left me feeling baffled and exhausted.  I didn't say as much to anyone while it was happening (mostly because I was trying to appease the unappeasable kiddo and/or trying to get anything else done), but I'd filled Bryant in a bit.  When he came home and saw things hadn't gotten better after naptime, he promptly sent me out of the house.  I had planned to run some errands after he got home that evening, but he told me to be sure to get supper while I was out doing those, and generally, take some time to myself.

I enjoyed a lovely meal - outside!
SPIN Pizza had sent a triple-points promotion I didn't think I'd be able to take advantage of, but I did!  You know how I love to take advantage of a deal. 
It was delicious and wonderful.

While I didn't think my time away was necessarily necessary, Bryant (once again) knew me better than I knew myself.  I needed quiet and peace and stillness.  I needed be able to relax and know someone else was in charge of J for a bit.  I needed to receive their videos where both said they loved me (J's was unprompted and included a blown kiss).  I needed to come home to find a tiny garbage truck, which I knew was requested (because they're currently J's favorite vehicle), drawn complete with details I would've never thought to include.

Driving down the road to pick up those two trash bags, of course.

As usual, I do not intend to brag, though my amazing hubby deserves to be bragged about. Rather, I just want to be transparent share this "low" among so many "highs" that come across our feeds.  Jacob really has been a pretty easy kiddo thus far, and people often comment on how happy and easy-going he is, and he IS.  He has his not-so-happy moments, though, and apparently, days, as well.

(While we're on the subject of transparency: Jacob has also developed a grabbing/pinching habit...both at home and at library storytime.  At home, I can react and correct, as needed, but it's so hard to know how to break him of this habit in public.  He doesn't do it hard enough to hurt anyone at the library, so those kiddos just look at him like, "Hey, man - what are you doing?!"  By the time I notice and get to him to tell him "No," the moment has passed, and he doesn't necessarily have any visible remorse.  We practice gentle touches both in and out of context (immediately after an incident, as well as unrelated to one), and we talk through how we should treat people (even by name) SO often.  I'm having a hard time not being self-conscious about it, and I struggle to remember this behavior is not a reflection on me or our parenting.  Of course, we're not telling him to grab people and/or pull hair - quite the opposite, in fact.  It's just his way of acting out/testing boundaries, at the moment, and I feel bad it is sometimes at the expense/discomfort of others.)

Anyway, the next day, he was almost completely back to his normal, mostly-agreeable, happy self (which I quickly realized I often take for granted).  We went to CFA for some free breakfast, and even saw a (green!) garbage truck in action while we were there.  The day was not without some tears and whines, but it was definitely more normal for us both, and for that, I was very grateful.

My CFA date. ♥
He was up for taking a picture, but apparently, was going for the "16-yr.-old after mom's already taken 473 pictures" look.
I showed him the picture and asked where his smile was... 

...and he voluntarily went back and tried again.
☺

I just couldn't pass up this jacket for $3 at a consignment sale last season.
Also, he chose to wear his church shoes, rather than his every-day tennies. ♥

Thanks for letting me safely share all of this.  I realize this kind of day may be the norm for some kiddos (with or without behavioral diagnoses) and probably seems trivial for those who are dealing with children's health issues, etc.  Some of you may be thinking "He's almost two - this is just the beginning of the "Terrible Two's," of course."  For us, though, this was an uncharacteristically bad day, and again, I wanted to share about it out of appreciation for my husband AND in an effort to keep it real up in here.  😉

With greater distance from the end of my rope than two days ago,
Kensy
😉

Favorites of the day:

open windows

new friends

...especially ones who bring you little tiny cinnamon rolls...

...and sweet primrose plants...because she knows you love little things.

This face.
(Brought to you by a fun egg decorating contraption Bryant's family brought on their recent (super fun) visit).

Our Very Hungry Caterpillar

As of a month ago, we have a one-year-old in the house!  So hard to believe.  I still don't know how to feel about it.  BUT, I thought I’d share some pictures of his Pinterest-inspired (though not Pinterest-worthy) party! ☺

Bryant's mom made the super cute birthday shirt (GreatStitch), and his mom and sister made the awesome quilt!
(These are for sure Pinterest-worthy, for the record.)

Thank you, Amazon, for having the perfect plain, colored, non-glitter b-day hats that happened to match the "Happy Birthday" banner I've had for years!

Hooray for free online printables and bamboo skewers I always knew I was saving for a reason!

These were his monthly "milestone" pictures!

Never did I ever expect to have a "photo booth" at our one-year-old's birthday party, but it just kind-of happened. 
The caterpillar ended up on the empty spot we usually take pictures in front of, and it ended up being a nice way to commemorate the decoration.

More monthly pics (he had almost exactly the same few poses each month, so I couldn't help but print them all out).

The "spread!"

(Cucumbers and mint fresh from the garden!)

My 4-H cake decorating training/materials came in handy!

His very first cake (or treat of any kind) experience!

He commonly eats with just one hand, so this method wasn't out of the ordinary. 
He took bites a little faster than normal, though. ☺

When they take the cake away...

Made a pretty good dent in it!

This party was a little more involved than I'd originally thought it would be, but when you have all the materials to just keep decorating (thanks to my card-making hobby/materials), you just keep decorating!  haha.  I kept telling myself that because I wasn't planning to make all the food the caterpillar eats in the book, and I also wasn't planning to poke little holes in all the food, I wasn't going completely overboard.  I did, however, put up more decorations than I'd thought I would, and just generally did more than serve a meal and some cake.  It was enjoyable, though, and really fun to make it special.

...

I considered leaving this post at that; a fun DIY party that was enjoyable all around.  In the interest of transparency and sharing life lessons learned, however, I’m going to tell another part of this story.

There were tears involved.   Unnecessary-stress induced tears.  Unnecessary stress-induced tears.

There were a few causes for these tears (including, but not limited to, the fact that our baby was turning ONE), but the unnecessary stress I brought upon myself to put on this super-casual, low-key first birthday party caused me to reach a breaking point.

In an effort to try to help my sweet, patient husband understand what was contributing to my inner turmoil and unrest over this gathering (for which we didn’t even send out formal invitations), I did some serious self-reflection (that I've already shared and talked through with him, for the record). Here’s what I figured out:

I felt alone. Felt is the key word, here. I knew then, and I still know now, that I wasn’t, but for some reason, that didn’t stop me from feeling alone and unsupported in the planning process.  We had a lot going on in the time leading up to this milestone, so yes, I may have been the only one making the specific plans (both necessary and unnecessary ones, mind you).  That doesn’t mean, however, that my husband and pretty much everyone who was going to attend the event didn't offer to help.  As it turns out, I’m just terrible at accepting help and even more terrible at asking for it.  This wasn't the first time this has been an issue for me.  I’ve even been know to rescind a request for help because I felt guilty/bad/burdensome for asking in the first place.  Some would probably say it's a matter of control.  At times, it very well may be, but only in part.  More-so, I just really don't want to inconvenience others, especially when I am fully capable of doing what I'm asking them to do...or when I don't think the task I'd be asking them to do is completely necessary in the first place (i.e. hole-punching pieces for a homemade banner that I wasn't even planning to make).

The other, less-prevalent-in-my-life, thing I realized is that I did more decorating than I'd planned because it was really the only thing I could do in advance.  I couldn't make food more than a couple days ahead of time.  My biggest fear was the cake frosting "melting," so I wanted to wait till the night before to do the cupcakes/cake.  I could only clean so far in advance before things would need cleaning again.  So, since all the plans were made, but I felt like I couldn't do anything in the couple weeks leading up to the party, I just kept making decorations.  I don't regret it (esp. since I didn't really spend money on them - I already had all the materials in my stamping stash...and it's something I enjoy doing), but I do regret the time it took away and stress I allowed it to add to everything else life entailed at the time.

As I was writing this (because goodness knows this wasn't written all in one sitting (#allthenaptimes)), I was listening to a podcast during which they discussed the fear of failing in front of others and the need to have emotions/hurts/feelings/"wrestle points"/circumstances known.  It was my desire for this party to go off without a hitch and be enjoyable for all who attended.  It was also my desire to creatively and economically make it special, which meant several DIY projects.  My fear of it all not getting done, the cake melting, the food not being enough, etc., etc. was real.  If I failed in any of these areas, it would be very evident to those attending the party (who would not have cared/judged at ALL, for the record).  I kept all this fear bottled up inside of me until it came spilling out of my eyeballs in the form of ugly-cry-tears.  I (finally) expressed these fears, took a deep breath, and realized how irrational I was being.  This may have all been a silly reason to come to some of these realizations, but I'm so glad to have come to the realizations, period, regardless of the reason.

Something else that was mentioned on the podcast put into words something I've been trying to explain (to myself and others), but hadn't quite been able to figure out how to do so: "Recreation causes disappearance."  When someone can recreate our feelings/situation in a way we feel completely heard, then that can cause our situation to disappear in a way that no longer bears weight on our life.  I've heard the quote before, but had to look up who said it first: Timothy Keller said (wrote?), "To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything."  Bottom line: God is enough.  He's more than enough, in fact.  He both knows AND loves us, and He's all that matters.  Why, oh why, is this simple, simple truth so difficult to remember, sometimes?  I've been writing (in my head, that is) pieces of a whole other blog post about my desire to be known in my still-fairly-new community and stage of life (outside of marriage), but I'm deciding right at this moment that I'm not going to do so.  Writing the post itself would've been a cry out to be known by others besides the Lord, and it's just not necessary.

So, anyway...here I am, writing to you in an effort to put my fears/failures/mistakes/emotions out in the open; not for sympathy, but in an effort to bring some light and solidarity to some issues I'm sure I'm not the only one struggling with (speaking of struggling, I'm struggling to leave that sentence ending with a preposition, but I'm going to, anyway...choosing my battles...or something like that...).  I hope to become better at seeking and accepting help, as well as failing in front of others.  My pride, perfectionism, and own sense of control are not worth the expense of the stress it all can sometimes create in my life and the lives of those with whom I'm closest.

Phew.  Ironically, I wrote far more than I expected to about a party I decorated for far more than I expected to.  Ha!  If you made it this far, thank you.  I appreciate the time and interest you took in my pictures, ideas, and thoughts.  As always, questions and comments are more than welcome.  Happy to chat about any of it in person, too!  ☺

Transparently,
Kensy

P.S.  An added benefit to all the decoration efforts: since there isn't a holiday for a while after the 4th of July, I just left the b-day decorations up for a couple of weeks!  It was kind-of fun to feel like we continued the celebration.

Favorites of the day:

quality time with others

garden-fresh produce

brunch 

more specifically: this pancake "flight"