Margin

I'm writing to you during a time that is listed on my calendar as "hobby time," which is something the cool kids these days would refer to as "margin."

This word, "margin," began showing up very prevalently in my life several weeks ago following a conversation my husband and I had about needing to make time during the week for us as individuals to do things we want to do.  We had kind-of made a plan to implement this, and then, "margin" started showing up everywhere.  The concept came up in sermons I heard and conversations I had.  It was discussed on almost every podcast I listen to, both new episodes and ones I was catching up on, and even mentioned by name on a couple.  Then, we started a worship team Bible study; the title?  "Margin."  I couldn't believe it.  I thanked God over and over for such clarity.  This message He was trying to convey was coming through more clearly than any of recent memory.

While it may be a sort of buzzword these days, and therefore, might seem fleeting like most trends, I think the concept of "margin" is very important.  Creating time for your own enjoyment, personal development, hobbies, whatever it may be, can allow your brain to be used in a different way, your heart to be opened, your mind to be cleared, and your body (and dare I say, your soul) to be refreshed.  Taking this time for yourself can allow you to reconnect with yourself, which in turn, can lead to better/stronger connections with those around you.

I realize this all might sound a little lofty or unrealistic.  Me saying, "Take time to find yourself!" "Find some quiet space in your life!" "Do what you love!" might conjure thoughts of a girl in a sunny field of wildflowers with her face to the sun, a yogi in child's pose, or a leather chair and warm beverage, and you're rolling your eyes.  You're thinking, "Yeah right.  Who has time for that?!"  There are certainly circumstances and seasons in life that seemingly make any downtime or spare moments impossible.  Whether it's a matter of time, money, lack of childcare, whatever - this idea of "margin" can feel unattainable for many.

However...

I've heard many times that you make time for the things you value most.  I've read articles about the fact that we spend so much of our time doing things we don't actually need to spend time doing.  Statistics show our screen time is off the charts.  People are often heard saying, "I'm so busy!" and "I'm too busy!" and having to start saying no's, because they've said too many yes's.

It wasn't necessarily easy for us to find this "margin" time in our what-we-thought-was-already-pretty-full weekly schedule; it took some thought, effort, and a little trial-and-error.  We've made it work, though, and are better for it!  We are able to spend time doing the things that somehow got pushed completely off the "to-do" list by the more pressing items (By the way, it's still really difficult for me to not use "necessary," rather than "pressing" in that context.  I'm still working on defining the things I want to do as necessary; to put "self care" in the "necessary" category; to prioritize myself right up there with everyone else.).  We each get to spend a little time each week doing something that will refresh and recharge us.

So far, my personal margin time has been spent differently each week: I've gone bargain shopping with coupons in hand (one of my favorite things to do).  I've watched shows (at home in the guest room with doors closed - haha).  I've spent time stamping and organizing my stamping supplies (both things I enjoy).  And, as may be obvious, I've written blog posts!

My husband's "margin" time has also looked different each week and always looks very different from my own, because we're different people with different personalities and interests.  This is not to say that we don't enjoy spending time together.  Nor has this "margin" time taken the place of our weekly date night or other quality time together.  Rather, it is separate from and in addition to these things.

It IS possible to do this for yourself...and it's important!  It doesn't have to cost money.  It doesn't have to be out of the house (though if you're at home most of the day, I'd encourage you to make this a priority).  It doesn't have to be super exciting, adventuresome, or new.  It just needs to be what you want it to be, and for some of you, that might mean you need to let yourself figure out what that is, first.

I know this level of mandate is a little uncharacteristic of my posts, but as you've just read, this really means a lot to me.  I feel so cliché saying it, but as I get older, I'm learning more and more about myself and what it takes for me to be at my healthiest.  This is not something I'm working on alone; my husband has played a major role in this part of my personal development.  Without his encouragement (sometimes it's had to be more strong than others), I wouldn't have ever considered allowing myself to prioritize myself (that's my Enneagram 2 showing...and that's a whole other blog post - haha).  He's on his own journey, too, and I'm so proud of him.  So thankful to get to do life together!

Anyway, please seriously consider this for yourself.  I'm no expert, but would love to talk through it with you, if you want!  Would love to hear anything you're willing to share.

Until next time, friends. ☺

With margin (because "margin-ly" is too close to "marginally"),
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

my son - for so many reasons

cooler weather, open windows, prospect of fall, etc.

Aldi

Our Very Hungry Caterpillar

As of a month ago, we have a one-year-old in the house!  So hard to believe.  I still don't know how to feel about it.  BUT, I thought I’d share some pictures of his Pinterest-inspired (though not Pinterest-worthy) party! ☺

Bryant's mom made the super cute birthday shirt (GreatStitch), and his mom and sister made the awesome quilt!
(These are for sure Pinterest-worthy, for the record.)

Thank you, Amazon, for having the perfect plain, colored, non-glitter b-day hats that happened to match the "Happy Birthday" banner I've had for years!

Hooray for free online printables and bamboo skewers I always knew I was saving for a reason!

These were his monthly "milestone" pictures!

Never did I ever expect to have a "photo booth" at our one-year-old's birthday party, but it just kind-of happened. 
The caterpillar ended up on the empty spot we usually take pictures in front of, and it ended up being a nice way to commemorate the decoration.

More monthly pics (he had almost exactly the same few poses each month, so I couldn't help but print them all out).

The "spread!"

(Cucumbers and mint fresh from the garden!)

My 4-H cake decorating training/materials came in handy!

His very first cake (or treat of any kind) experience!

He commonly eats with just one hand, so this method wasn't out of the ordinary. 
He took bites a little faster than normal, though. ☺

When they take the cake away...

Made a pretty good dent in it!

This party was a little more involved than I'd originally thought it would be, but when you have all the materials to just keep decorating (thanks to my card-making hobby/materials), you just keep decorating!  haha.  I kept telling myself that because I wasn't planning to make all the food the caterpillar eats in the book, and I also wasn't planning to poke little holes in all the food, I wasn't going completely overboard.  I did, however, put up more decorations than I'd thought I would, and just generally did more than serve a meal and some cake.  It was enjoyable, though, and really fun to make it special.

...

I considered leaving this post at that; a fun DIY party that was enjoyable all around.  In the interest of transparency and sharing life lessons learned, however, I’m going to tell another part of this story.

There were tears involved.   Unnecessary-stress induced tears.  Unnecessary stress-induced tears.

There were a few causes for these tears (including, but not limited to, the fact that our baby was turning ONE), but the unnecessary stress I brought upon myself to put on this super-casual, low-key first birthday party caused me to reach a breaking point.

In an effort to try to help my sweet, patient husband understand what was contributing to my inner turmoil and unrest over this gathering (for which we didn’t even send out formal invitations), I did some serious self-reflection (that I've already shared and talked through with him, for the record). Here’s what I figured out:

I felt alone. Felt is the key word, here. I knew then, and I still know now, that I wasn’t, but for some reason, that didn’t stop me from feeling alone and unsupported in the planning process.  We had a lot going on in the time leading up to this milestone, so yes, I may have been the only one making the specific plans (both necessary and unnecessary ones, mind you).  That doesn’t mean, however, that my husband and pretty much everyone who was going to attend the event didn't offer to help.  As it turns out, I’m just terrible at accepting help and even more terrible at asking for it.  This wasn't the first time this has been an issue for me.  I’ve even been know to rescind a request for help because I felt guilty/bad/burdensome for asking in the first place.  Some would probably say it's a matter of control.  At times, it very well may be, but only in part.  More-so, I just really don't want to inconvenience others, especially when I am fully capable of doing what I'm asking them to do...or when I don't think the task I'd be asking them to do is completely necessary in the first place (i.e. hole-punching pieces for a homemade banner that I wasn't even planning to make).

The other, less-prevalent-in-my-life, thing I realized is that I did more decorating than I'd planned because it was really the only thing I could do in advance.  I couldn't make food more than a couple days ahead of time.  My biggest fear was the cake frosting "melting," so I wanted to wait till the night before to do the cupcakes/cake.  I could only clean so far in advance before things would need cleaning again.  So, since all the plans were made, but I felt like I couldn't do anything in the couple weeks leading up to the party, I just kept making decorations.  I don't regret it (esp. since I didn't really spend money on them - I already had all the materials in my stamping stash...and it's something I enjoy doing), but I do regret the time it took away and stress I allowed it to add to everything else life entailed at the time.

As I was writing this (because goodness knows this wasn't written all in one sitting (#allthenaptimes)), I was listening to a podcast during which they discussed the fear of failing in front of others and the need to have emotions/hurts/feelings/"wrestle points"/circumstances known.  It was my desire for this party to go off without a hitch and be enjoyable for all who attended.  It was also my desire to creatively and economically make it special, which meant several DIY projects.  My fear of it all not getting done, the cake melting, the food not being enough, etc., etc. was real.  If I failed in any of these areas, it would be very evident to those attending the party (who would not have cared/judged at ALL, for the record).  I kept all this fear bottled up inside of me until it came spilling out of my eyeballs in the form of ugly-cry-tears.  I (finally) expressed these fears, took a deep breath, and realized how irrational I was being.  This may have all been a silly reason to come to some of these realizations, but I'm so glad to have come to the realizations, period, regardless of the reason.

Something else that was mentioned on the podcast put into words something I've been trying to explain (to myself and others), but hadn't quite been able to figure out how to do so: "Recreation causes disappearance."  When someone can recreate our feelings/situation in a way we feel completely heard, then that can cause our situation to disappear in a way that no longer bears weight on our life.  I've heard the quote before, but had to look up who said it first: Timothy Keller said (wrote?), "To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything."  Bottom line: God is enough.  He's more than enough, in fact.  He both knows AND loves us, and He's all that matters.  Why, oh why, is this simple, simple truth so difficult to remember, sometimes?  I've been writing (in my head, that is) pieces of a whole other blog post about my desire to be known in my still-fairly-new community and stage of life (outside of marriage), but I'm deciding right at this moment that I'm not going to do so.  Writing the post itself would've been a cry out to be known by others besides the Lord, and it's just not necessary.

So, anyway...here I am, writing to you in an effort to put my fears/failures/mistakes/emotions out in the open; not for sympathy, but in an effort to bring some light and solidarity to some issues I'm sure I'm not the only one struggling with (speaking of struggling, I'm struggling to leave that sentence ending with a preposition, but I'm going to, anyway...choosing my battles...or something like that...).  I hope to become better at seeking and accepting help, as well as failing in front of others.  My pride, perfectionism, and own sense of control are not worth the expense of the stress it all can sometimes create in my life and the lives of those with whom I'm closest.

Phew.  Ironically, I wrote far more than I expected to about a party I decorated for far more than I expected to.  Ha!  If you made it this far, thank you.  I appreciate the time and interest you took in my pictures, ideas, and thoughts.  As always, questions and comments are more than welcome.  Happy to chat about any of it in person, too!  ☺

Transparently,
Kensy

P.S.  An added benefit to all the decoration efforts: since there isn't a holiday for a while after the 4th of July, I just left the b-day decorations up for a couple of weeks!  It was kind-of fun to feel like we continued the celebration.

Favorites of the day:

quality time with others

garden-fresh produce

brunch 

more specifically: this pancake "flight"

Things I've Learned As a Mom 1.0

1. Baby fingernails peel off.  Somehow, this came up in the delivery room with our doctor...and somehow I had no idea of this fact.  We haven't used fingernail clippers on Jacob, yet, because really - they're still soft enough to just peel off.  Full disclosure: Yes, I've used my teeth to start the process a couple times.  I've never been a nail-biter; who knew I'd bite my kid's nails.  But still - I'm sharing this for all those moms with babies who may also not know how easy taming those talons can be.  You're welcome.

2. Moms planning to breastfeed their babies should invest in some comfy, quality nursing bras/camis/tanks/tops before giving birth.  I know sizing is a little tricky at that time, but postpartum clothes shopping is trickier.  Not only can it be difficult to actually get to the store, but also, who wants to try on clothes at that time in their life?  It's not fun or enjoyable.  Period.  There is the option of online shopping, which is totally doable, but you've gotta have something to wear in the 2 days before Amazon Prime can get your purchase(s) to your door. ☺

3. It's ok to give your baby more than the Dr.-suggested amount when supplementing while breastfeeding.  Whether it's formula or pumped milk, it doesn't matter - if he's hungry, he's hungry.  You may cry the first couple of times.  It may hurt your feelings/pride/sense of self-worth.  In the end, however, just know that you're giving your baby what he needs.  I knew this before becoming a mom, but implementing it for myself was harder than I thought.  There's a lot more to be said about it, but it's easier to discuss in person.  I'm sharing a bit here, though, because I think the breastfeeding/formula/feeding struggle is real for so many, and I want to provide a little solidarity for those who have been/are/will be in the same situation.  Also - I'm obviously not a doctor, so please consult your own when figuring out what is best for your own little one.

4. Commemorative plaster/clay newborn foot/handprint molds are mostly not worth doing.  Unless you want to lose your sanity/test your marriage/cry all the frustrated tears, I'd recommend skipping it.  I mean, you could wait to do them till your sweet babe is a little older/bigger and you are not quite so much under the influence of postpartum hormones, limited sleep, and so many other things that aren't going quite as you'd hoped...but then you wouldn't get the oh-so-tiny little prints to remember forever and ever.  Your call.

6. Baby smiles can pretty much fix anything.

7. Sleep when the baby sleeps, but only if you can peel yourself away from watching them sleep.  ☺

There are probably several more things I could add to this list, but will leave it at that, for now.  Would love to hear/read any additions you have to the list!

Motherly,
Kensy

P.S. Thanks so much to those of you who checked in after my last post.  I didn't mean for it to be quite the pity party it may have come across as - simply a glimpse into the reality of new-motherhood - but I sure appreciate all the positive feedback and support!  ☺

Favorites of the day:

zucchini bread

fall ☺

This birthday card from a former place of employment...where part of my job was caring for 2 sweet kitties.
They signed the card! ♥

My New To-Do

If you know me at all, you know I can't function without lists (ok - maybe that's an exaggeration, but let's just say I can't function well without them).  Not lists on my phone or in my head or on my computer; real-life-hard-copy-pen-to-paper lists.  This is why I regularly receive post-it notes as gifts and help myself to the complimentary notepads in hotel rooms.

A former boss of mine required his employees to keep to-do lists, and we'd report on them at our weekly staff meetings.  (Click here and here to read more about that job...you won't regret it!  There are probably more posts that refer to it, but those are the two I found in a quick search. ☺)  As you can imagine, I thrived in that environment.  My memory fails me often - it did before I was pregnant, you know about "pregnancy brain," and now I've got the "Mom brain" going for me.  Lists not only help me remember to do things, but they also give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  The visual of the tasks I plan to complete is a small representation of my place in the world, and as you may be able to relate to, crossing items off my list(s) is a representation of accomplishment.

So, all that said, it should come as no surprise to know I nearly always have a written to-do list (or two or three) somewhere in our home.  This, of course, does not include the home improvement project list we've kept since moving into this house, the list of meals my husband has requested, the list of restaurants we want to try, etc. etc. ☺  My to-do lists have always included a variety of items, from event planning to household chores to correspondence I hope to make...the list goes on and on (pun intended).

Lately, however, my list has been fairly short (feed baby, sleep, eat, change diapers)...and hasn't (*gasp*) been written down.  The other day, however, I had a few things I wanted to accomplish, so I made a list for the first time in a few weeks.  It was still short, but it included a few non-baby-related things that needed to be done and could realistically be accomplished in my few moments of spare time.  It also included, however, the following two items: "pump" and "shower."  The "pump" refers to the daily task of pumping extra milk between morning feedings.  The "shower" refers to the not-so-daily luxury of bathing.  Ha.

Anyway, what surprised me about this (and the reason I'm writing about it) was the fact that I didn't think twice when writing these two items on my to-do list.  The pumping is new, of course, but even though it's something that has become routine, completing the task still gives me a sense of accomplishment.  And the shower?  This is something I would've laughed about adding to a to-do list prior to birthing a child.  But, now, having/taking time to do this small item of self-care gives me a great sense of accomplishment...which is why I added it to the list without even thinking.

I'll be honest and tell you this transition into motherhood hasn't been easy.  Yes, there are postpartum hormones that play into it, but there's definitely been some confusion/heartache/anxiety/mourning/etc. in figuring out and wrapping my mind (and heart) around my new role.  I recently told a fellow new mom I was having a bit of trouble figuring out my new identity, and she gently reminded me that our identity need only be in Christ.  Duh, Kensy!  Of course, I know this, and try my best to put it into practice, but in these moments of wondering if I'm "enough" as this baby's mom, wondering if I'm still fulfilling my role as a wife, wondering if I'll ever feel like I'm contributing outside of our home, wondering if I'm keeping up with friendships...none of it matters.  I am a child of God - first, foremost, and most importantly.  My new role as a mother is an extension of my ministry on this earth - just like my role as a wife, friend, teacher, etc.

Still lots of "things" to figure out and get used to, but that's nothing new - life always brings change and learning opportunities.  It's the subjects (the "things") of those changes and opportunities that are new.

As always, I appreciate you reading and bearing with my sometimes-convoluted thoughts. ♥

List-fully (ha),
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

my husband - can't brag on him enough - he's the greatest!

s'mores English muffins (seriously...try them!)

☺