The Hardest Decision

I'm wondering whether or not I should be writing about this while it's so fresh, but I'm going to so that:
1. I remember what happened and what I'm feeling,
2. I can share with you in one fell swoop, and
3. If you couldn't already tell, writing is sometimes the best way I can/know how to process things.

So...

We had to put Charlie down today.

Because I know you're wondering:
He had been throwing up for the last day and half, or so, and the last day was barely moving and just not acting himself, at all.  It's been a very full/crazy couple of weeks for us, and this week is no exception, but I was able to find someone to come stay with Jacob today (on his birthday) during his nap, so I could get Charlie checked out.  Was thinking it would be a quick trip with maybe some meds prescribed, or something.

Come to find out, though, he had a urinary blockage that would require expensive sedation, treatment, and hospitalization to remedy it.  As the doctor was explaining it, I thought, "Well, that sounds treatable, but expensive." and it was.  When I asked if there were any other options, she said, basically, "It's this, or putting him down."  Cue the tears.  That truly hit me (hard) out of left field.

Knowing what to spend on pets is hard no matter what your financial circumstances, in my opinion, but especially for us, as we've just come out of a fairly large home renovation project.  I hated to have finances be a factor in deciding what to do today, but I would be lying if I said they weren't a small factor...and that hurts me to say/type.

The larger factor, and what ultimately made the decision (a little) easier, however, was that this "operation" and treatment didn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again.  It was also not guaranteed that Charlie would be strong enough to come out of the sedation after not having eaten or drank for so long.  He would have had to be on meds for a bit after the operation and special prescription food forever.

Bryant was not able to leave work, but my bestie, Katie, kindly offered to come be with me at the vet when I called her barely able to speak.  Can't say how much I appreciated having someone there to cry with me.  It was just so, so very difficult to know what to do.

What makes me most sad, I think, is not having such a wonderful playmate for Jacob living in our home.  Jacob loved Charlie so much, and even when he saw him last, and Charlie was barely responding, Jacob was loving on him and cooing about him, all the same.  I'd always been looking forward to them playing together, but I also knew the day would come when we had to say goodbye to Charlie, and I'd wondered how we would explain it to Jacob and how he would feel.  Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise in that we won't have to do that, now (though we will have to say goodbye to Pepper, at some point).  He's aware enough to say, "Hmm...kitty...?" in the sweetest voice as he looks for him, but he will soon forget and not know to be sad, and that's ok.

Charlie was with me through the biggest changes in my life (life after college, marriage, moving, motherhood), and though I know he lived a good life, I fear I took advantage of his constant presence.  I don't think it's hit me, yet, that he's not coming back.  Perhaps it will the first time I sit down during naptime and don't have an immediate lap-warmer.  Or the next time I open a can of tuna and don't hear little paws come running.  I wonder if/how Pepper will notice.  I wonder if/when Jacob will ask about him.

But mostly I wonder if I made the right decision.  I know I probably did, but it all happened so quickly, and I was so, so unprepared.  I'm not writing this to fish for encouragement, sympathy, or affirmation.  I'm just being honest as I process something I've never dealt with before - something I never thought to prepare myself to deal with.

I know there is no way for anyone else to understand exactly what I'm feeling, and I will not be able to articulate it all, but I know some of you have had to go through similar experiences.  If that's you, I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for the way having to make that kind of decision made(makes?) you feel.  There's no way of knowing if losing him would have been any easier had I known it was coming, had he been older (he'd just turned 9), had he been sick longer, etc., but I think I can say for sure that it would have been easier had I not had to make the decision myself.

I know peace will come.  I know time will pass.  I know he lived a good and full life and was well-loved.  But I also know I'm just really sad and wish he was still going to be in our family for the foreseeable future.  As of now, thinking about Charlie and the fond memories of him does not make me sad - I'm glad for them.  Seeing other cats does not make me sad - I still love cats.  Thinking about what could've been - that's what makes me sad.  He was more a part of my life than I realize, I think, and he will be greatly missed.

Katie graciously obliged when I asked her to take one last picture of us.
(He was just sleeping here.)
♥

Sadly,
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

Jacob's excitement about his birthday festivities (and the fact that he kept wanting to sing "Happy Birthday" to me every time someone sang it to him)

family and friends

At-Home Spa Night

I just realized this is my first post of 2019, so Happy (belated) New Year!

Once again, I wanted to write more than is appropriate for an Instagram caption, so here are a few pictures and even more words about something my hubby did for me this past weekend:

After getting home from work, Bryant sent me out the door to grab a light supper and “start relaxing.”  For me, that meant CFA and a couple errands (including the grocery store, of course, because who would I be if I didn’t take a relaxing pre-snowstorm trip to Hy-Vee...?). 

Upon my return (and after helping me put away groceries), he surprised me with an at-home spa night!  In true Enneagram 5 fashion, he had done extensive research on massage, fancy snacks and drinks, face and hair masks, and pedicure techniques.  He did a ton of prep work and made it all such an authentic, relaxing, wonderful experience. I. felt. so. spoiled.  That man seriously thought of everything, including but not limited to, warm towels, fun magazines, and taking the rubber duck faucet protector off the bathtub faucet before my bubble bath.  

Crackers with fancy cheeses, chocolate-covered strawberries, bruschetta (one of my most favorite things), and fancy strawberry water ("Agua de Fresa").

Candles everywhere - so cozy and ambient!

The containers pictured between the sinks contained homemade, all-natural hair and face masks!

These are a few of my favorite things...

I was so impressed by his first-ever pedicure "performance!"

This was one of the most thoughtful, generous, thorough, kind acts of service I’ve experienced (or heard of, for that matter).  He planned it all so intentionally, and what made it even more meaningful to me was the frugal-ness and the effort to truly serve me.  He could've easily sent me away to spend hundreds of dollars at a salon/spa, but instead, he did an amazing DIY version, which meant we also got to spend some quality time together! 

I realize sharing it all may come across as a bit braggy, and honestly, I’m ok with that - my sweet husband deserves alllll the credit and bragging and gold stars.  I’m only sorry it took something like this for me to make such a big deal about him publicly.  There are so many everyday things he does that I appreciate, and in the spirit of bragging on him, I’ll share a few:

-daily preps breakfast for J and I

-turns on my electric blanket before bed

-maintains our vehicles 

-plans date nights 

-voluntarily helps prep and/or fully prepare meals

-takes care of J while I teach lessons, attend rehearsals, and/or just have a couple minutes to myself

In a nutshell, Bryant is wonderful and treats me better than I deserve. ♥

Relaxedly,
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

that fancy strawberry water - it was so good!

this beautiful snow that's still around

Jacob's excitement about the snow - it's so precious!

Eureka Springs

I think I've told you, before: this blog is not only a vehicle to share thoughts and stories publicly, but also a way to document our life for posterity's sake.  So, if you're not interested in the minute details of our (somewhat) recent anniversary trip to Eureka Springs, AR, this post might not be for you.  ☺

Before telling you about our super-fun trip, I need to brag on my husband.  He took it upon himself to plan the whole thing, without being asked!  He found a cool destination within driving distance, arranged for childcare, researched must-see stops and must-try restaurants, made all the reservations, etc., etc.  In a season of life where I feel like all my brain cells are at capacity and I'm doing well to know what day of the week it is, his efforts meant the world to me.  

Headed out (sans baby - thanks, Grandma and Grandpa!).

Stopped in Bentonville, AR for lunch at this really unique restaurant!

We enjoyed our meal!  Interesting cuisine...we tried the fried artichokes appetizer and were glad we did.

See the bicycles in the windows?

Our next stop (and reason for going through Bentonville) was the Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art.  This was a free attraction that had been recommended to us by a few different people.  We don't necessarily consider ourselves "art museum people," but we really enjoyed our time here.  The grounds were truly awesome, the art was interesting, and the people were wonderful.  If you're in the area, or reasonably close, it's definitely worth seeing.

This is a picture of a picture - it's so hard to explain the amazing architecture, so I was glad to find an aerial shot to share!

Speaking of architecture, they had a Frank Lloyd Wright house on location.
This is a model of it.

We didn't wait around to take a tour inside, but enjoyed seeing it from the outside.

☺

The drive through Arkansas as the leaves were just starting to change was truly breathtaking.  The mountainous, winding roads and sweeping forest views were hard to capture, but will remain in our fond memories of the trip.

We knew we'd saved room for dessert for a reason.  What a fun surprise stop!
So yummy!  Check them out here.  They ship!
(That striped pole is the bottom of a huge candy cane.)

Our lodging in Eureka Springs was a tree house!  It was the perfect mix of seclusion, nature, quiet, charm, cozy, and peaceful.  Though there were other tree houses (as well as hobbit holes and castles!) housing residents, we didn't run into any other humans during our two-day stay.

Hard to tell, but dinner the first night was in a cave!
https://www.grottoeureka.com/

Glass chapel in the forest!

The drizzly, cold day ruined our hiking plans, but we were able to do some shopping downtown and were glad for a tip from one of the shopkeepers to go walk around a local hotel, even though we weren't staying there.  So, we did our "hiking" inside!

The Crescent Hotel & Spa

A fun night of karaoke and dancing was spoiled by a lack of indoor-smoking ban (allll the eye rolls), but we enjoyed our dinner beforehand and a full night of rest before our trip home!

Not the first time we've left our mark somewhere special...and won't be the last. ☺

Our penultimate stop was to see "Quigley's Castle: Ozarks Strangest Dwelling."  Strange was a good word...others we discussed were unique, weird, amazing, bizarre, concerning, and inspiring.  You can read more about it on their website, if you'd like, but in short, this house was a woman's dream come true.  She and her husband built it from lumber cut off their own land and "bricks" made from cement and stones collected over many years.  Because it was built during the depression, the family had to cover the window spaces with various materials for three years until glass became available.  There is a border of soil inside the home between the living space and outside walls, so plants can grow and thrive indoors year-round.  There is so much more to tell about this, but again - I'll let you read on your own.  Pictures don't do it justice, and even after having seen it in person and spoken with a Quigley granddaughter, I still have questions and don't quite know how to explain what we saw.

Last (spontaneous) stop was a yard "sell," because our curiosity was piqued.
Alas, we did not come away with any treasures.

This trip was such a wonderful getaway, and we're thankful to have been able to take it!  Thanks to all who helped make it possible (watching the baby, fur babies, providing recommendations, rescheduling lessons, etc.).

Thanks for your continued interest!

Belatedly (this trip took place over a month ago...haha),
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

time with family

my electric blanket

the fact that Panera has a drive-thru

Glasses and Ponytail

Coming to you live from nap time!  So, this one is gonna be short and sweet. ☺

Jacob's latest favorite thing is my glasses.  I don't know when or how the obsession started.  I don't know why he's so into them.  What I do know is that he says his word for them starting the moment I walk into his room in the morning.  I also know he's talking about them throughout each day, whether I have them on or choose to wear my contacts.  If I'm wearing my contacts and we're home, he sometimes goes to our room to the place where the glasses are to ask me to put them on.  If we're out and about, he asks where they are (if I'm wearing contacts) or comments on them (if I'm wearing them).

The kicker?  After saying his word for them, he often makes the sound I make when I'm prepping them to be wiped off.  You know, the "h" sound you make when you're huffing on them to fog them up before cleaning them?  He makes that sound at any mention of glasses - whether he's the one doing the mentioning or he hears someone else say the word.  Again, I don't know how or when this started; only that, apparently, I clean them often...probably because someone is always getting tiny fingerprints on them...

The boy also loves when I have my hair in a ponytail.  I can't remember when this obsession started, either, but I'm pretty sure it was several months ago.  He loves to play with my ponytail.  He looks for it when my hair is down.  He gets excited when he sees me putting in a hair tie.

The reason I'm sharing these quips, other than their obvious adorableness, is this:

If I'm in "glasses and ponytail" mode, it's probably because my hair is on day 2 or 3 and my eyes were too tired for contacts, which needless to say, usually means I'm not "feeling my look" as much as I could be.  But, in Jacob's tiny, sweet opinion, these are my best days!  He loves glasses days, and he loves ponytail days, and when they happen on the same day, he can't get enough of his mama (even more than usual).  On these days, when I'm potentially down on myself for not taking time to fix my hair or put on eye makeup, he's looking at me with so much joy and excitement.  

Please don't read into any of the self-image/vanity/whatever stuff that may be associated with this post.  My intention is not to fish for compliments or make you concerned about my own self-image.  I'm simply sharing this little nugget of a lesson I'm learning in motherhood that's probably bigger than I realize (or have time to write about, at the moment).  It just makes my heart happy, and I thought it might do you good to hear it, too.  To me, it is such a picture of the love God has for us, despite our "dirty hair" and "unconcealed faces," if you will.  ☺

I had intended to keep this all to myself and just post a picture of Jacob's outfit on Instagram, because I thought he was looking especially cute today, but instead, I'm writing this post and sharing a picture of us both.  ♥

And some of him, of course...

Enjoy the weekend, friends!

Out of time to come up with a witty salutation,
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

those precious red baby Chucks

my trusty Norwex optic cloth (ha)

the super generous b-day gift from my in-laws - a Cricut!  (this is what my margin time has been devoted to, lately)

My younger man ♥

This is one of those posts I started several months ago. I've added a few things since, but it's mostly as I wrote it then. Glad to be able to share it now, though, because today is the subject(my husband)'s birthday! Please enjoy this post about how wonderful he is and join me in celebrating him! (Yes - he's younger than me, but not by much.)


I just need to brag on my husband for a bit. Not in a "my husband is better than yours" way, or anything like that. Just in a "he's amazing and I want to publicly thank him" way.

Here's the thing:

We often say, "We sure got a good baby!" Not only is he so precious and adorable, but he's also just been an easy baby. He's spoiling us, for sure.

That being said, there have been hard days. Some of those hard days may be the norm for other parents; some of them may be on par with what others experience; some may be worse. Regardless, they get to me, sometimes. I've been labeled a "high achiever," "goody-two-shoes," and a "perfectionist" at various points in my life. I can't help but get down on myself and feel as though I've failed when even the smallest thing doesn't go as it should. (And I can't function well if something is unresolved/out of place/lost/etc.) So, needless to say, when I don't know exactly what to do for my baby and/or nothing I try seems to work, I feel like I'm failing him. Because of my woman's "spaghetti" brain, this permeates into every other aspect of life, and I end up feeling like I'm not succeeding at anything - esp. at being a wife.

Those hard days when I'm feeling like a failure and can't seem to figure out how to function normally are the days when my husband shines especially bright. He never fails to greet me with a hug and a kiss, regardless of how I look or feel. He asks how he can help and/or observes a need and meets it without being asked. He gives me what I need without me knowing I needed it. (Examples of this include: sending me to Target with instructions to get a Starbucks drink and look around a while, even though we only need one thing; clipping a mani/pedi coupon and making sure I go redeem it; finding a Groupon for a massage and sending me to redeem it only after I go get something I want for lunch; taking the load of laundry I just pulled from the dryer and telling me to stay downstairs to watch figure skating while he folds it upstairs.) My personality type does not do a good job of self-care. Self-initiated self-care makes me feel selfish/guilty/unproductive. I'm getting a little better at it, but only because my husband strongly encourages me in this department. I've fought him on it at times, but he stands his ground, and I always come out better for following his instruction. And though he totally deserves to do so, he doesn't even say, "Told ya."

I may have said it before, but he's just such a great dad...and a great husband to me as a mom. He works hard for our family and comes home excited to spend time with us and ready to help however he can. We've continued to do lots of work on our house (more on that later), and I'm continually amazed at all he knows how and learns to do!

We celebrated our third wedding anniversary in October, and in addition to taking me out for dinner (sans baby for the first time, thanks to some dear friends), he also got me these very thoughtful gifts:

Red roses, because that's what my bridal bouquet was comprised of.
The traditional gift for a third year anniversary is leather, so he arranged to have this special sentiment printed on a piece of leather! ♥ 

Though I wrote most of this post months ago, it still all rings true today - perhaps even more so! I simply can't imagine life without this amazing man by my side, and I'm so very thankful for him and the life we've built together.

Happy birthday, Bryant!☺ Love you so much! ♥

With-all-the-heart-eyes,
Kensy

Favorites of the day:

consignment sales

podcasts (let me know if you'd like recommendations!)

This tiny cake, because #moderation, but also #birthdaycake. ☺